Ah yes, I decided that I wanted to start cooking! So, I am cooking a roast tonight! Ok, never mind that it is a “prepackaged, marinated, all you have to do is put it in the oven”, roast, but, this is still one BIG step above opening a can, pouring the contents into a microwave and pressing the number 2! Not only that, but, I actually figured out how to turn ON the oven! Ah, you scoff at me! But, this is no ordinary oven.....no! This is some ancient artifact from the 1800 where they did not have electricity! No! It requires rubbing 2 sticks together, chanting a sequence of spells, pressing and holding a knob in just the right spot, and lighting a fire at the very back of the oven at just the right spot, at just the right moment! And tonight, the oven gods were in harmony, and I actually got it to light - after 6 months of trying! Ok, so, I only tried a few times, since canned food only requires a microwave, but, it has been 6 months!! So, I am now cooking a roast!! It really is too bad that I accidentally left the roast sitting out on the counter all day after I brought it home from the grocery store while I was at work. No, I decided, we can’t let a little thing like letting uncooked meat sit out on a counter for 10 hours, deter us from our new cooking ways.
Ever the safety cautious person that I am, I realized that it was of the utmost importance for maintaining good health, to cook the meal thoroughly, especially since it had been left out on the countertop for 10 hours.
So, I waited patiently for the indicator to go off. At long last, smoke billowed out of the oven and the smoke detector went off, indicating that the meat has been thoroughly cooked! Ever cautious, I double checked by pounding the meat on the counter to ensure that it has the consistence of a rock. And it did! Mission accomplished, and dinner is ready! After making a trip to the storage unit for a small hand saw required to cut the meat, and after much anticipation, I partake in my first roast! I think I may have chipped a tooth in the process, but that is the price you have to pay from time to time, when you have such a refined and distinguished palette as mine.
As I bounced out of bed the next morning, I realized that I wasn’t quite feeling like my usual chirpy and enthusiastic self! Instead I was experiencing stomach cramps, weakness and an overall feeling of fatigue. Ah, but, of course, I am on my monthly cycle! So, not to worry! Ibuprofen to the rescue! I take the prescribed dosage. But, still, the cramps and sickness do not pass. Then, I remember my motto! “If one is good, then two is better”! So, I take another dosage and stagger off to work.
I have moved from the “Indian Curry bowl” fish bowl room to the “We are the world” fish bowl room. We are all crammed in their like sardines. And as usually, the temperature has risen to at least 100. As I sit in my seat, the room starts to spin, and sweat is raining off my face. The Indonesian guy is yammering away the other Indonesian guy, in only a language they understand. The aussie guy is yammering to anyone who will listen, which is usually just me, and the Chinese guy is singing Chinese pop songs in Chinese, and occasionally, when he is feeling inspired, he breaks out into a course of whistling! Meanwhile, I am feeling quite nauseous, and trying not to hurl on my keyboard. Chalking it up to too many meds, I decide that maybe I need to rethink this “if one is good, then two is better” motto. And I reflect that I have never had such a miserable period. Never does the thought cross my mind that it could be from ANYTHING else, I mean, surely not from my cooking techniques, as now I am an experienced chef after successfully cooking my first roast!
Somehow I make it through the day, and then I stagger off to Photography class, homework hastily done, moments before, and thoroughly unprepared, as usual. I attempt to hide in the corner as he is reviewing what we learned in class the week before. I begin mumbling a prayer and hope that the “I am not prepared, but, at least I am here” gods are with me. But, alas, they were off helping some other ill prepared soul. I found a spot on the wall, and focused on it, like it was the horizon off in the distance. Just like a seasick sailor, I stare at that spot and murmur to myself, “I will not hurl”, “ I will not hurl”, “no, the room is not spinning”. “Renee, can you tell us what SLR is?” MS PALMER CAN YOU TELL US WHAT SLR IS?” I was brought out of my dizzy trance, and I meekly replied “no”, and then he asked some other sort of mumbo jumbo and I again, I had to meekly reply “no”. I lowered my head in shame, and thought of the disgrace that I had brought to my fellow Americans. No wonder we are known as the stupid Americans. But, wait! Doesn’t he understand the dedication it took to drag myself into the class? And the willpower it took not to hurl???
Somehow I made it through the 2 hours and it was time to stagger home. For once I was grateful to have to make my way through the dodgy part of Brisbane. As I weaved and staggered like a drunkard past the strip clubs and the bars, and the drunk aborigines in the door stoops, I fit right in with the winos and am given no notice.
Ah, at long last, I made it home and crawled into bed and slept like I was in a coma.
Ah, I can’t wait to try cooking my next feast!
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