Conspiracy

It has become quite apparent that my mobile phone does not like me. It has attempted to run away several times now by sneaking out my backpack; falling out of my pocket and hiding behind the seat on the train; and other such devious tactics. On two occasions, it actually succeeded! Once, while trekking through the bush, and I got caught after dark. I thought “ah ha! I will use my phone as a torch”. But, it had somehow escaped from my knapsack and abandoned me in my time of need. Come to think of it, my work badge feels the same way. It always pulls a vanishing act when I need to get into the office after hours.



My mobile phone was so desperate to be free of me that it took its name of “mobile” to a new level as it leapt out of my hand and threw itself on the tile floor in an effort to smash itself to bits. The attempted suicide seemed to have addled its mind, as it went quite mad after that...turning itself on, turning itself off, turning itself on, turning itself off, over and over, until it was about enough to drive me mad and I was forced to send it to the repair shop. I could feel the phone through the courier bag, vibrating like a pack of angry bees.



Suffering from separation anxiety, I waited in anguish for nearly a week. At work, I fell in line behind the guy from the Actuarial Department who walks round and round in circles, and together we paced the floor, him pondering who knows what, perhaps the percentage of cross dressing male drivers who apply mascara while driving and then cause an accident, and me anxiously wondering whose calls would I miss? A great single guy? Oh, but, first, that would require that I actual know one, and secondly, he would have to have my phone number and actually want to call me. Publisher’s Clearing House? Or Holden Car Manufacturers, as I had just entered their contest to win $1000 of free gas. The possibilities were endless and overwhelming. The carpet was wearing thin. No work was done. Then, the day finally arrived when I received my phone. I carefully reinserted the SIM card, turned it on and then nervously waited to see it would react, along with whom I had pissed off this time by not returning their call or text.

A week went by, maybe two, until my phone decided to cry mutiny yet again. Crafty little bugger, it knew exactly when the absolute worst time would be for me to be parted from it, and then decided to go quite mad again...turning itself on and off, not accepting pin numbers and so forth. Yes, it waits until the day after I have cancelled my home phone in attempt to save money (see money tree section below for details) and the day before I am going to our company Kick off meeting in Sydney, when I absolutely must have my phone before doing this. How does it know – I’m thinkin, conspiracy! So, I have been ringing the repair shop all morning, demanding that they come get my phone and fix it before my flight leaves, trouble is, they have chosen this time to not answer. Why couldn’t they of not answered the phone the first time? And then I would not have sent my phone there.



And while we are on at it....same thing with bills. I am sure that there is a conspiracy lurking there as well. Bills wait until you are broke to show up, and then they demand payment before the next pay period. For example, I have just now come to realize that all these trips and adventures that I have gone on cost money. I had thought when I swiped my credit card that they came from a tree in the backyard. The Latin derivation for such a tree is “Money Tree”. It wasn’t until I looked and discovered that the money tree was bare, and realized that I better start saving, that the bills showed up. One after another, after another. First, the property tax payment from the states, then, the yearly car rego was due, followed by the yearly car insurance, which was quickly followed by the 3 month electric bill, which was over $800! This was followed by the speed camera speeding ticket, which, in addition to informing me that I not only needed to pay them $200, but that I received 3 demerit points as well. Again, I ask, how did these bills know the exact point in time when I don’t have the money to pay them? Each day, I come home and open a letter box and there is another. To top it off, my glasses have also decided that they have had enough and want to retire. And no amount of super glue will make them change their mind. Glasses these days are expensive....$400-$500! And that doesn’t include the eye exam.

And while I am airing my litany of complaints, I finally found my new bike lock, which had been hiding quite successfully under my bed for several months now, since the idea of dusting and sweeping never crosses my mind. The trouble is, it came with no code to unlock it. Not taped to the lock, not printed on the wrapping, not listed on the receipt. What was I suppose to do? Ring up the “Bike Lock Ferry”, ask her to wave her magic wand, and then all would be revealed? Just in case this was the proper protocol, I brought up the lock manufactory’s website, but, the closest thing I could find was a “Contact Us” page with no “Bike Lock Fairy” listed. So, how am I suppose to know what the combo is, if they don’t tell me?? I am just askin’.......



Are you starting to see a pattern? I am and one word comes to mind...conspiracy!